Helvetica The Perfume consists only of water. This is, apparently, the scent of nothing.

You are excited to finally own a special container of distilled water. Through this, you focus on everything about the perfume except its fragrance: although it has no smell, it works well as a placebo. You wear most perfumes to attract others, but as you wear Helvetica, only you are aware of its existence: a mirror that lets you reflect on your beauty, education, and cultural sensibilities. However, you notice the perfume is poorly titled. It is called “Helvetica”, a Swiss typeface that is far from neutral. Why not name it fondly after its 2 ounce container, allowing its contents, whatever they may be, to last beyond the death of the typeface?

There are moments you find use for Helvetica. Sometimes you spray Helvetica on the rubber plant to simulate conditions of a humid rainforest. Other times you use Helvetica to discipline your cat.